Aren’t there times when you would really like to throw yourself onto the floor and bang your fists while kicking your feet and screaming at the top of your lungs? Who of us hasn’t seen a little one doing just this and envied them their ability to drop down to the floor in the middle of a department store and let their feelings out?
I remember stepping over my daughter when she threw her tantrums, allowing her to cry herself out. She got so smart that she would move to a room with a carpet on the floor so that she wasn’t throwing herself down onto a hard kitchen or foyer floor where the tantrum wasn’t so comfortable!
But most adults have eschewed such behavior. Or have we, really? Maybe we don’t get down on the floor but do we shut down and ignore others when we are doing our ‘adult pout’? Do we ‘accidentally’ say or do something that causes hurt to another when what we really want to do is throw ourselves on the floor and scream at the unfairness of it all?
Being honest with yourself, can you see a way in which you might still have some of the strategies you developed as a child working in your life today? It’s easy to wish that the world was fair – which it is because we all get our share of lessons, some easy, some difficult — and that everyone around us treated us exactly the way we wished they would – which might be easier if we didn’t expect them all to be mind readers. So what do we do if we find a coping mechanism at work in our life that we no longer desire to choose?
The best strategy to develop is what I call ‘The Pause Button.’ Can you learn to catch yourself reaching into your unconscious database and pulling out an inappropriate response? Hit The Pause Button so you can be conscious about your choice of reaction/behavior. This is what the old ‘count to 10’ maxim is all about. Pause. Reflect. Act consciously.
As we move through life we are giving challenges to our personal growth and how we react to stimulus is one of the ongoing life lessons with which we must learn to deal. What challenges do you face that you must find resources to handle? Who in your life is bringing you practice lessons in finding your ‘Pause Button’? And who knows exactly how to ‘push your buttons’ so that you find it nearly impossible to pause?
Challenges are with us. Our response to challenges can change with each encounter. Living a Conscious Life requires that we learn to grow through all our experiences. We’re not allowed to throw ourselves onto the floor and do a tantrum anymore, even when that unconscious little child within is begging to be allowed to do just that. Find another way. Think about it now and tell your unconscious mind to latch onto the new, preferred response before it goes back to childhood memories and chooses that old strategy. Plan to hit ‘The Pause Button’ when somebody pushes your other buttons. Breathe and consider. And make sure that your new choice isn’t just an adult form of that toddler’s tantrum on the carpet!
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Mystic Messages 
MUSE-INGS: Clean the Lens or Change the Prescription!
August 24, 2011 — RosemaryRelationships. Always a challenge. Always an opportunity. Always a potential source of joy.
Sometimes we think immediately of an intimate or love relationship when we hear the word, but we are in relationships with others whether they be long term, intimate or just the person who is the cashier at the grocery store. Do you think of relationships in this way?
When a grocery cashier seems to be having a bad day or appears grumpy, what is your reaction? Do you get grumpy in response or do you get understanding and sympathetic? When your child is angry and upset and possibly screaming at you, do you react in kind or do you try to look at things from their perspective? When your partner has upset you, are you in reactive mode or thoughtful mode to see what you are really feeling and which lens you are looking through?
I was working with a client recently and received this guidance for her: Give yourself permission to have the reaction but choose the best response. You don’t have to follow through with the reaction. You have options to respond a different way. It can be easy to keep going with the initial knee-jerk reaction but when you are living a Conscious Life you hit the pause button, notice the reaction but choose the appropriate response.
For example, those of us who are helpers tend to jump to help another when we perceive the need. But is this the best response? Are we looking through our own lens and not allowing them to have theirs? Our reaction might be to jump in and help but perhaps the best response is to support them in finding their own solution.
Or someone might be angry and our immediate reaction is to feel that they are angry at us. They might not even be noticing us at the time but we react to their anger without pausing to see if that is the best response for us to choose at the time. Maybe our Dad hit us when he was angry and the little child in us is afraid that will happen again whenever we are around anger. Or we had a lover once who shouted angrily just before they stormed out of the door, never to be seen again, and we are reacting with our fear of being abandoned again.
There is always so much more going on in any relationship than meets the eye at the surface of things. Allow yourself the freedom to take time to notice where you are in your own feelings as you relate to others. Are YOU having a bad day and the grocery cashier being slow allows you to vent your feelings on them? Is your partner really upsetting you or are you already upset about something and they are merely triggering your reaction?
Be conscious of your feelings. If you need to, then practice going inside to assess what is true for you in this present moment. Your lens has been created by all of your life experiences and it exists at an unconscious level within you. It’s not something that you can access through analysis or your mind. You must learn to feel your feelings and to express them appropriately. But this can only happen if you take time to do the inner work, uncover what exists at the unconscious level and bring it into your awareness.
The most important relationship you have is the one with yourself. Are you looking at yourself through a harsh, judgmental lens, created from your past experiences? Or is your lens foggy with misconceptions or blurry images that you haven’t taken the time to examine and clear up? Maybe the place to start is to work on this internal relationship first. Then you can change the prescription on your lens and see all your other relationships in a new light!
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